Stayaway From The Takeaway

If you’ve read my previous blog you’ll know I have to lose a stack of weight this year as well as get banned from my local all you can eat for £12 local Chinese Restaurant, the Chifan in Dorking. To achieve both I need to get banned as soon as possible so I plan to go on my next week back at home.

They have rules these fella. You can’t take anything home and you have to pay extra for anything you leave, to deal with the snides and the eyes bigger than the belly brigade. So there’s to be no leftovers. I’ll be ordering for me alone, any companions must order and eat their own food exclusively. How will I get maximum value for my £12 and therefore get my red card? Well let me discuss tactics with you

1) Eat a light early lunch so I’m hungry and not starving at the start of the marathon.
2) Get in about 7pm as I don’t want the place to close before I’ve had my fill.
3) Check the T and Cs of the offer so we know the rules of engagement before battle commences.
4) Cane the starters as they’re so expensive and usually relatively small. I reckon 4 sesame prawn toasts and say 3 chicken satays should rack up there bill as well as drawing me to their attention
5) Drinks: I reckon a small non-fizzy drink is all that is required, probably free tap water for maximum annoyance.
6) Mains- lets go easy on the rice probably just one and order just 2 main courses, probably the two most expensive will fit the bill
7) Having polished these off I need to start the war of attrition, ordering dishes one at a time possibly moving back to the starters.
8) Puddings not included in the deal so probably best to leave the battered banana/pineapple out.
9) To get banned for bad behaviour is definitely against the rules so I will be my normally amiable self throughout.

Having done this it’ll have to be jogging shoes on the next day to get cracking on the blubber loss. I’ll let you know you it goes.